I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
