did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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