I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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