i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
