oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just high enough for therapy.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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