Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
