Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
