She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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