Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
