How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
