Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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