mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
