I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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