no, he came in my armpit
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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