Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
