Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
