If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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