I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
