Barsexuality is the new black.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
