Umm I'm too high to move.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
