"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
