I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
