Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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