What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You had me at "let me see your balls"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
