Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
