You smell like stripper and shame
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
