Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
