Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you had me at cake vodka
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
