I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
