his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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