i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
