So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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