Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
