my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
