I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
