Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
