My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
