We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
