i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
