how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Randomize
