I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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