Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
