Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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