you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
