I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
