Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
