I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
