Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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