and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
