jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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