I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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