after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
foreskin is a definite game changer
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
